A Shattering Stone
by Bryn T. Wedge
Summary: Ianto is struggling. Jack doesn't know what to do, and Owen tries his best to help... until Ianto finds a stone that smashes apart his world and he attempts suicide. Jack then commits himself to helping Ianto recover. Trigger warning: Dark themes of depression, PTSD, anxiety, suicide, thoughts of self-harm.
1. 1 Anxious Accident

_Breathe in, breathe out._

Ianto repeated those words through his head the entire way back from ...there. He couldn't even bear to think of the name. Everything that happened was tied to that place. He could still feel the blade against his throat, the same as the stabbing pains from the ...the... tenderising. Ianto shook his head.

 _No thinking about anything that happened._

He didn't want to be stuck in a nightmare where all that surrounded him was the experience over the past 24 hours. So he couldn't let himself think at all. Jack sat in the car, silent, just observing. For once he paid careful attention to the road, and drove like a normal person. Oh how Ianto wanted him to take his bruised body in his warm, protective arms and never let go. Suddenly he jumped at the sound of a car door shutting behind him.

 _When did we stop?_

Ianto's senses were dulled, as if his mind was trying to save him from the overload it would have caused. The others were getting out, but he remained stationary. Jack looked towards him, and observed the stern pale face that didn't even notice Jack was staring right at him. Ianto, usually so perceptive, seemed to be lost in his own mind. Jack guessed he actually was.

"Yan?"

Ianto jumped again upon hearing his name. His eyes darted up to meet the Captain's, unsure if he was supposed to answer a question that had been posed to him without his knowledge.

"Yan, it's ok, it's me. I'm going to take you home ok?" Jack uttered, slowly and carefully. Ianto seemed to be trying to keep it together, but Jack didn't want to do anything that would strain him. Better to just take him home than see if he'd cope getting back himself. And to avoid posing it as a question, as if testing his strength. If there was one thing Jack knew Ianto hated, it was people thinking he was weak. Well that, and when Jack left his dirty socks strewn about the office floor.

Before long, Jack parked outside of Ianto's place. It was a small townhouse, old but well kept. Ianto slowly turned his head, the pit of his stomach falling to the floor. This was it, he was going to be left alone now. And it was his chance to prove to his boss that he was strong.

"Thanks" he mumbled, still not really focused on what was happening. Jack wanted to reach out and firmly grasp his shoulders, look him directly in the eyes and tell him that he was going to take care of him. But he didn't. He didn't want to cause any reactions by touching Ianto if he didn't want it. Ianto still hadn't gotten out of the car, but Jack didn't mind.

"Call me. Seriously. Call me if you need anything. I don't care if it's just to make sure my number is still working, or to ask for the time. Or even if you really need to talk. Please."

"Thanks, Sir. But I -"  
"No, just ... know that you can."

Ianto was pleased to be cut off. He really didn't want to finish that lie. He dragged himself out of the car, and walked up the steps to the front door. He froze. It would be dark inside. He took a steadying breath and unlocked the door. There were butterflies in his stomach before, but now it felt more like snakes. Snakes that slithered up his body, constricting his chest and sliding up his airway. He snapped the door open. Dark, as expected. He glanced a quick pleading look to Jack, almost begging him not to make him do it alone.

 _It's just walking into my own house. I can do this. Stop being a baby._

He walked inside, flicking on the lights before closing the door. Panic still gripped him, but he shut the door behind him without saying goodbye to Jack. He didn't want it to be a goodbye. But he heard the car drive off, and dread washed over him as he realised he was alone.

Jack drove back home, to the Hub, still thinking about Ianto. The others he was worried about as well, but not as much as his Ianto. The boy hadn't had crisis management training. He wasn't a field agent, he was ... well, the administration. Gwen had her police training, and he'd given Tosh and Owen their training personally. And they all had more exposure with traumatic experiences. Granted, this was high on the list of traumatic experiences, but they had training with how to cope. He regretted leaving Ianto alone, but he didn't want to impose himself if all Ianto wanted was to cope alone.

He walked to his office and sat in his chair, putting his head in his hands.  
"Ianto, I hope you're alright..." Jack said under his breath. He had his phone out on the table, and found himself just staring at it, waiting.

Ianto had turned on all the lights he had, and sat in the corner of the living room with his legs held firmly against his chest. Here, he was able to let his façade down and express his emotions. He grasped his phone in his hand. He'd thought about calling, a couple of times over the past few hours. But he couldn't let Jack know he was so weak he couldn't be in his own house.

A moth flew into the window, making a soft tap, and Ianto jumped out of his skin. He stared at the window, panting, and despite knowing it was just the moth that continued to flight against the glass to access the light, he kept staring. He felt sick to the stomach, but his throat was dry and aching for water. Shaking, he stood with his back sliding up the wall. He walked through the lounge and into the kitchen. He froze. The fridge.

Ianto's stomach flipped and he thought he was going to vomit. He knew it was just his fridge, he knew exactly what and where the contents were. But it didn't help.

 _I will not be scared of my fridge._

He made sure he told himself to make it sound ludicrous. He put one reluctant foot after the other to reach the sink. Fumbling, Ianto took a glass from the cupboard and filled it from the tap. He could feel the fridge watching him. Lurking behind him. Waiting for him to turn to face it. Ianto took a mouthful and willed the liquid down. His shaking hands let the glass slip, but before his reflexes could catch it, the glass shattered over the sink. The shards had sliced the palm of the hand he'd tried to catch it with, and blood drizzled out from the few gashes. Ianto stared at the blood. Bleeding. They were going to bleed him...before they carved him up.

Ianto couldn't breathe. He kept trying to breathe in, but no more air would get into his lungs. Still, he tried profusely. He couldn't even feel the pain in his hand. His knees buckled and he crumpled to the floor, also not feeling the thud. He saw the blood from his hand smear down the cupboard door and across the floor where he'd landed. Images flashed through his mind of meat hanging, blood everywhere, and he vomited the bile from his stomach onto the kitchen floor. He still couldn't breathe. He curled into himself in the corner on the floor, and dialled Jack. Ianto didn't even care what his boss thought of him.

Jack stirred at the noise. He'd dropped asleep at his desk, drooling enough that the papers on it were now stuck to his face as he sat up. He swiped up the phone and, without looking who was dialling, answered.

"Ianto?"

Jack heard ragged breathing, gasping for air, and a squeak. Jack had a quick look at the caller ID, and it was indeed Ianto's number.

"Ianto what's wrong? What's happened?"

Jack's inquiry was met with a truncated sob, cut off with more gasping. Wasting no time, Jack grabbed his coat and walked out the door.

"Ianto, I'm coming. It's going to be alright. Just listen to me, ok? You don't have to talk, just stay on the line. Can you do that?"

A shaking Ianto nodded on the other end of the line. He felt like he was going to cry more, the tears were definitely falling, but he felt like he couldn't draw enough breath. He was feeling dizzy already.

"Ianto, I'll be about 10 minutes. I'm sorry I left you there. I thought you wanted space. I'm sorry." Jack pleaded while he got in the car. Technically it was 20 minutes to Ianto's, but Jack figured that it was early morning and, in emergencies, road rules were more guidelines than actual rules.

Jack pulled to a stop outside Ianto's door. He left his car on the road, but figured that cars could get around easy enough so the could just complain. He hopped up the steps and banged hard on the door.

"Ianto, it's me."

Jack listened to the noise on the phone line. He could still hear the soft gentle sobs, but there was no movement to let him in. He grabbed his keys from his pocket, and found the pink one that was Ianto's. He let himself in, leaving the door ajar, and searched the house. All the lights were on in every room downstairs, but upstairs looked dark. He hung up the call, and shouted out for Ianto. Moving into the lounge, he could hear noises getting closer. Jack approached the kitchen, and saw Ianto curled up in the corner of the bench on the kitchen floor. Jack was stunned at the initial sight: glass shards scattered about, a small pool of vomit on the floor, and blood smeared over the cupboard, the floor, and Ianto who was sobbing gently to himself amidst harsh breaths.

"Ianto, I'm here. What happened?" Jack asked softly as he knelt down beside Ianto. Jack carefully took Ianto's hand and inspected the wound. It was fairly deep, and continued to seep blood over the floor and Ianto's clothes. He was fairly certain it was accidental, it had small glass shards on the edges stuck to the blood.

Ianto didn't really register what was going on. He didn't hear Jack come in, or talk to him, but did notice his hand being taken away. With frightened eyes, he looked up at the Captain.  
"Jack..." he whispered, and shuffled to move into what he hoped would be a hug. Jack embraced him, rocking him back and forth slowly, chin rested on his head.

"It's ok my love, it's ok. I'm sorry. I'm here now." Jack soothed. Ianto calmed down at his words, eventually stopping shaking. Knowing Ianto needed medical attention, he thought it was best that he took him back to the Hub. He didn't want to risk A&E doctors noticing, and acting on, his state of mind right now. It's not like Ianto could tell them what happened anyway. Jack carefully lifted him up and guided him out the door and into the SUV. He'd worry about the mess later, it wasn't going anywhere.


	2. 2 Reactions

Ianto was resting, sedated, in Jack's office. He'd originally left him on the couch, but decided to drag out the fold away bed and set it up there. Owen had come in and cleaned up his hand, removing the glass and stitching it together, and was currently having a conversation with Jack in the med bay, far away from the sound proof office.

"Are you sure he didn't do it to himself?"  
"Pretty sure, Owen. It looked like he'd dropped a glass or something."  
"Alright. But fuck, he's in no state to be alone."

"I gathered. I shouldn't have left him."

"I don't see this ending soon." Owen sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. He was feeling the strain too, and despite being vocally grumpy at Jack for being called in so late - or early - he was actually glad to have had the distraction. The memories were just swirling at home, alone.

Jack didn't respond to the comment. He knew it was true. He looked at Owen, about to speak. Owen, however beat him to it.

"I'm not a fucking shrink, Jack. And even if I was there's no way I could ... help... right now. Teaboy needs someone he can talk to, and that ain't me."  
"Oi! Enough with the names. I intend to listen but I don't exactly know what I'm doing..."  
"I'll help, right, don't get me wrong. I do actually care, you know. Ideally, we'd ship him - er, refer him - off to a psychiatrist." Owen changed his choice of words after a stern glare from Jack. He was being excessively protective. Still, Owen wished that someone would be that for him as well.

"We can't." Jack said, shaking his head in exasperation. "There's no way for someone else to know enough to help but not break confidentiality. But, I could call UNIT to see -"  
"Those tossers?" Owen huffed. "They'd just use it as an excuse to extract info on Torchwood."

Jack groaned in agreement. So, this has to be done in-house, he decided. Owen seemed to reach the same conclusion.

"I'll have a look at some stuff, see what I can gather about dealing with PTSD. I mean I did the psych rounds like every other fucker, but it never was my thing. Too..." Owen wiggled his fingers as the explanation. Jack nodded, and looked up at his office.

Ianto woke to find himself on a bed in Jack's office. Strange, there wasn't usually a bed in here. He blinked a few times and looked about. The snakes gripped his gut again and restricted his chest, out of nowhere. He sat up, using his arms to pull his body upright. Pain. He noticed a sting in his right hand. He inspected it, finding it wrapped neatly in bandages. Images of blood spilling out of his hand rushed in his mind, and he felt his body tighten. He clasped his eyes shut and shook his head, trying to get the memories out.

"Ianto?"

Ianto looked up to see Jack entering the room, walking towards him to take a seat beside the bed.

"What...what am I doing here?" Ianto rasped.

"You called me last night, and I brought you here. Owen had to sedate you to fix your hand though. Then I brought you here to rest."  
"Oh."  
Ianto didn't know what to say. He didn't know if he should feel ashamed or grateful. Instead he chose to stand up and leave.

"Whoa, easy there." Jack said, putting his hand on Ianto's shoulder. "Just stay there a while."  
Ianto looked at him with a questioning face.  
"The meds you had were rather strong."

It wasn't necessarily a lie, but it was an excuse for Ianto to remain seated without feeling ashamed.  
"I'll be fine, sir."

"I imagine so, yes. But Ianto, for now you're not. And I'm not talking about your hand. Hey, it's nothing to feel ashamed about, ok? It's normal after what you went through."

Ianto looked away. Jack gently cupped his chin and looked directly in his eyes.

"Seriously. It's not like you were even remotely prepared... I know you've been struggling even now to get, er, come to terms with what happened with Lisa. I don't want this to break you, my love."  
Ianto still said nothing, but he felt the sincerity in Jack's words. Still, he hadn't been very considerate towards his emotions after Lisa. He knew that it was only because of how betrayed Jack had felt, but that didn't calm the storm that raged in his heart and mind in the days that followed. He therefore found it hard to believe that Jack would be there to support him now. And even if he actually did, it would only be for a few days. Just the 'acceptable' amount of time to get all back to normal.

 _Like anything could go back to normal now. My life just falls apart, no matter how hard I try._

Jack kissed Ianto on the top of the head, and left. He could feel the tension rising. He wouldn't go far this time, however. He lent on the handrail, looking down at Owen finishing off paperwork. Everything would be fine, he thought to himself. He wasn't sure if he believed it, or was trying to make himself believe it.


	3. 3 A Mask

The days that followed weren't out of the ordinary. Thankfully there wasn't a lot of rift activity, and so Ianto could slowly go through his paperwork without feeling rushed. It was a lot harder with one hand out of commission. Jack had been very attentive, which Ianto liked. Of course no one offered to lessen his workload. Owen was his grumpy self as usual, Tosh had been kind, but distracted (as usual) and Gwen ... he wasn't sure about Gwen. She was detached, but not cold. She was probably still dealing with the trauma herself.

Slowly Gwen went back to her normal self. Jack got distracted, and stopped paying so much attention to Ianto. He knew it would happen, but still got upset about it. Sure, he could walk about and do his job as required, and in doing so they'd assumed he was fine, the only scar being that in his palm. But he wasn't. He was hurting inside.

 _That's all they care about though. The work. Me being able to do the work. Not me._

Ianto sighed, and put some gadgets back in their right place. He seemed to much prefer the silence of the Archives these days. They were organised, under his control, and never disappointed him. That may have had something to do with him never expecting anything from them, but the point still stood. He ran his fingers along a box, noting the soft scrape against his skin. It'd been a couple weeks since the incident, and everyone else seemed to be doing just fine. And he hated it. The snakes never left his belly, and the cold weight in his chest grew ever since. He'd not been able to tell Jack though. He felt deep down that Jack didn't want to know. So, he'd smiled when spoken to, answered questions, and done as he was told. At least he'd managed to build his façade up again.

Ianto walked back into the centre of the Hub, and jumped at the sound of his name.

"Ianto! We need coffee over here!"

Why was he not surprised it was Owen. He said nothing and just kept walking, changing his direction to the coffee machine. He made coffee for each of them, mindlessly. He'd done it hundreds of times. Without meaning to, he splashed some of the coffee over his hand. It was only then he realised how numb he was feeling. The sharp sting registered, but not a lot else. Still he washed it off and put the mugs on a tray.

"Excellent." Owen grumbled, taking his cup and sipping it. Not expecting a thanks, Ianto continued on his delivery. He felt anxious to get back to the Archives. He didn't want to be the accessory up here anymore. At least down there he could be himself. It'd been that way for a week now, feeling tense the moment he surfaced.

Ianto kept his composure long enough to make it back to the sink, where he panted and steadied himself.

He scurried back down into the darkness of the tunnels to the Archives, careful not to glance at anyone.

As much as Owen seemed to not care, he did notice the lack of Ianto's presence as of late. Initially, he can't deny, it was because his coffee supply dwindled and he never seemed to find the Teaboy around to ask for more. Owen snorted.

"Jack's problem." he grumbled.

"What's my problem?"

Owen jumped, nearly spilling all his coffee down his front.

"What the fuck Jack?!"

Jack had walked up behind him silently, and now moved to sit with him.  
"You didn't answer my question."  
"Your boy-toy isn't around much anymore." Owen sneered, clearly unhappy with the surprise.

"I told you not to talk of him that way."  
"He's not even here. In fact, he's never here anymore!"  
"Yeah? Does that bother you?" Jack asked, more to annoy Owen than actually asking.  
"As a matter of fact it does. Coffee is like an endangered species around here now. Besides, I thought you were talking with him?"  
"I was, but he said he was fine, and just wanted to work... I know that can't be all of it but I don't think ordering him to stay up here by the coffee machine is going to do him any good."

Jack tried to turn it back on Owen, but he had a point. What had started out as Ianto just 'getting back into it' had become more like Ianto secluding himself. He was worried but wasn't sure what to do. Sighing, and running his hands through his hair, he looked up at Owen.

"What do I do, Owen?"  
"Fucked if I know. I don't know what it's like to date men."

"That's not what I meant. How do I get him to open up to me, without forcing him?"  
Owen opened his mouth to make another crass comment, but rethought it. Instead, he put his doctor's hat on and tried to help.  
"Hm, well if he's secluding himself in his work, I doubt you'll have much of a chance to talk to him here. He'll just scurry off to his lair and stay there. Are you two still engaging in sexual activity?"

"Huh?" Jack was more perplexed to the sudden question than anything.  
"Have you screwed him lately?"

"No I understood. Um ... it's been different. Less... passion? He's been more just wanting to accept things than actively initiate anything. What does that have to do with it though?"  
Owen shrugged. "It's all just part of his mentality. Sounds like he just wants to placate you into thinking things are normal again. At any rate, I'd be careful of asking him direct questions in private time, he'd probably run off or worse, lie and create a whole expectation he thinks he needs to live up to."  
Jack crossed his arms. "So what do you suggest?"  
Owen thought for a moment.

"A holiday. Take him out on a holiday of some kind where he can't just escape, there's no work to be done, and distractions about. But don't make it a romantic one, he'll just feel like he needs to be happy and loving towards you, as if negative emotions aren't welcome."

Jack nodded, thinking that it was a good idea.

"You came up with that all on your own?"  
"Hey, I AM still a doctor you know. And I have done some research as well fairly recently."

"Great. You're coming then."

Owen looked stunned. He wanted a holiday, sure, but one with Jack and Ianto? Yet he knew that this wasn't optional for him.

"Fine, but invite the girls along too so I can at least talk to someone while you two shag."


	4. 4 Disappointing Campfire

He could hardly say no, could he? He really didn't want to go on a hiking trip. Jack had said it was purely recreational, but Ianto knew there was a deeper meaning. They didn't just take holidays. He fully expected to be told once there that coincidentally, there was something alien that in the end would likely try to kill them. He used to rather like camping, but after his last countryside experience, he was much less enthusiastic. Jack insisted it would be fine, it being Scotland and very very far from Wales. He was right, it was different - much more hill-y. The accents of the locals were a stark contrast to the norm, and to be honest it did feel much calmer than he'd expected because of it.

The drive up had been dull for Ianto. The girls had gossiped the entire way, all (what seemed) 100 hours of it. Owen interjected here and there, complained about being squashed in the back seat with them, got into a fight with Gwen at some stage, and was silenced by the Captain. Jack tried to keep the spirits light hearted with jokes, bad ones, but some made Ianto laugh at least.

Ianto was continuing his role of 'resource provider', gathering firewood for the night that was setting in. Owen was in charge of setting up the tent. With an armful of dead wood, Ianto returned to the campsite and burst out laughing.

"Oi! Shut it!" Owen snapped. He'd somehow managed to get his shirt collar stuck in the top of the tent, his shoelace pegged into the ground, and he was facing away from the tent so couldn't free himself.  
"How did you...?"

"I'm going to tear this fucking thing apart! Don't just stand there, help me out!"  
"Where are the others?"  
"Fucked if I know. Now, pain, not getting any better..."

Giggling, Ianto helped to free Owen. It was more complicated than it looked: undoing the peg pinning his foot would flip the rod up into his face. The dark voice in Ianto's head saw it as a tempting chance for revenge. He sighed though, he could never be that malicious, despite what they thought of him. After a bit of wriggling, Owen was released.

"I'm done. You guys can do the tents. I'll go get more of the stuff from the car."  
Owen walked off. Dejectedly Ianto picked up the poles and started setting up the tent. There were two more to go. Holding up one of the rods, he talked to himself.

"I always seem to get the short stick, don't I?"

In little time, all three tents were set up around the fireplace. Jack and Owen had brought all of the supplies over from the SUV, and the girls had apparently also gone for wood, coming back with armfuls of sticks. Jack expertly lit the fire, and before long they were sitting around it.

"Ok, ok. Your turn." Gwen said to Tosh.

"Never have I ever... shredded a document and said I'd not received it."

Gwen laughed as all four took a drink.

"I don't think you get the concept, Tosh. It's supposed to be ... saucy." Jack said, raising his eyebrows.

"Alright. Well it's your turn, Jack."  
"'Ere we go, no doubt there's some seriously fucked up shit coming." Owen chimed in.  
"Never have I ever... hm... never have I ever...alright alright circle back to me while I think of something." Living so long makes this particular game rather difficult.

"Ianto." Jack stated. Ianto looked startled; he was gazing into the flames and lost in thought.

"Oh um, never have I ever ...oh, right, saucy. Ok. Kissed a girl at work."

"Seriously?" Tosh asked. Ianto nodded.  
"Notice: girl." Owen said, raising his glass and drinking. Ianto blushed a bit.

It was Gwen's turn, and she had something she wanted to find out about the Captain.  
"Never have I ever given a girl oral."

Jack laughed, knowing it was directed at him.  
"Sorry Gwen." He took a large sip of his scotch. Owen drank, and so did Tosh. Ianto remained still. No one mentioned anything, but they were surprised at Tosh's response: not that they minded, they just were never told before.

"Well, never have I ever done it on a co-worker's desk." Tosh eyed Jack as she spoke.

Again, Jack drank. Ianto was growing tired of this. They never cared to ask anything important about his life, and now the only questions he was being asked about said personal life were these crude adolescent questions that served only as mockery.

"I'm going to bed. You guys can stay up and chat, but I'm had it for today."

And with that, Ianto turned around and went into his tent. Jack would undoubtedly come in later, and likely want to play, but Ianto hoped that if he fell asleep quick he'd avoid it. It's not that he didn't want to be intimate with Jack, he just didn't feel like it right now. It'd been hard to stomach watching the steaks grill over the fire, and he didn't want to be touched. He unzipped his sleeping bag entirely and pulled it over himself as a blanket. No restriction for him tonight. There was a double air mattress in his and Jack's tent, which took up most of the floor space. Still, he was able to manoeuvre out of his pants to sleep in underwear.

 _Figures._

No one protested, they all had just continued their game. He had secretly hoped Jack would follow him - not for sex, but to check on him. Sadness washed over him, and tears ran down his face.

 _They don't want me around. And Jack doesn't care enough to even pop his head in. What's the point of even staying and pretending?_

He muffled the sobs as best he could. He felt so trapped - there was only one way to leave. He couldn't do that though. The more he thought about it, the more he realised how little he had left to live for. The pit of his stomach dropped and he felt a cold wash over him.

 _Surely there must be more than Jack to stay for?_

There wasn't though. He knew it, deep down. And he wasn't even sure if Jack's affections were genuine. He felt a panic, but it was dulled with a deep depression. Was it peace? Relief? Or just the numbing of the depression?

 _No. I couldn't do that to Jack. Not if he actually does care._

Ianto thought about possibly talking to Jack, but dismissed the idea. He had to keep his thoughts to himself. If Jack didn't care, then telling him would only lead to making it all worse, and possibly being unable to end it. He'd rather just die who he is, than be retconned to buggery.


	5. 5 Glimpse of the Past

Ianto trailed behind the others. It was hard to find the energy to breathe, let alone the added strain of hiking. He was lost in the swirling thoughts in his head. It was like there was this little voice, that got louder and louder, saying to him to just end it all. He didn't know where it came from, or if it was a conscious thought he was having. Regardless, it seemed to be drawing out every memory, every thought in his mind, that supported the idea of dying. He kept letting his eyes trail up to see the Captain waltzing ahead, and trying to convince the thoughts that he was enough to stay for. He just wanted to stop feeling like he was fighting against a raging tide, and that option be the only life buoy.

Jack had been a little hurt when he'd walked into the tent last night. He was hoping for some hot love making in a tent. Instead he was shut out. He's asked what was wrong, but Ianto insisted that there was nothing, he just wan't feeling up to it. It was dark, but Jack had gotten the sense that he'd been crying. Unknowing what to do, he'd just laid beside his lover and went to sleep. He didn't like being kept in the dark about someone he cared so much for. But there was nothing he could do - forcing only ever lead to being pushed further away. He knew that well.

Jack stopped walking up the hill (mountain), and waited for the others to catch up. He smiled, saying there wasn't far to go until the top, and reached out and took Ianto's hand. Ianto smiled back at him, a well practiced smile, and returned his gaze to the ground. He was glad though, it showed him that Jack wasn't still angry at him about last night. They walked hand in hand for the rest of the climb, not speaking. Jack did lift his hand to kiss Ianto's, and Ianto gave a more genuine smile, but Ianto still wanted to focus on breathing.

They reached the summit.

"Well fuck, that didn't look that steep when we started." Owen panted, resting his hands on his knees. The girls were both panting as well, nodding in agreement.

"Bit of exercise, it'll do you good!" Jack exclaimed, slapping Owen on the back. "But as you see, it's all worth it."

"Yeah, alright, the view's great." Gwen conceded.

Before them lay a large loch, nestled at the base of tall jagged mountains. The sky was overcast with light piercing through, shining beams in places over the still water. Ianto sat and stared at it.

 _If I died, I wouldn't be able to enjoy scenes like this._

His attempt at reasoning with the voice seemed to be of no avail. He felt like just sitting here for the rest of the time to just watch the light reflect from the lake. Jack had other ideas, and was already leading them back down the hill.

After a while, they'd reached the bottom. None of them were particularly looking forward to climbing back over the hill to get back to camp. Jack led them along the lake's shore, and to a secluded small river trickling down into a small forest. They walked along the little river.

"Jack seriously where are we going?"

"Does it matter Tosh? Just enjoy the scenery!"  
"Have we enjoyed it enough already? I'm not walking back up that fucking hill." Owen pouted.  
"Lucky for you, this is the way around the hill back to camp. I'm not just wandering aimlessly, you know."

It was then that they walked past an old cottage. It looked like it hadn't been used for a while. There were plants growing up the stone walls, and the roof had a hole in it. Jack walked up to it. He'd had no idea it was there.

"Cool, look at this ... nobody's lived here in ages."  
"If anyone ever did...it doesn't look like someone could actually live here." Tosh said, approaching the building.  
"You'd be surprised where people can live." Jack stated, opening the wooden door.

Inside, there was a table, a bench with a sink, a fireplace, and a bed. Various papers and items lay scattered all over the place. All of them walked in, and despite it being rather crowded, curiously inspected the items. Ianto approached the bed where a little wooden box lay. He opened it, and inside was a single stone. It looked like any other river pebble, rounded from the water, except that it had some symbols carved into it that he'd never seen the likes of before. He picked it up to examine it more closely. Once it lay in his palm, and he looked at it, he was suddenly taken away from the cottage and found himself standing back in the Hub.

"What? What happened?" Ianto uttered, looking about. He was standing in the med bay, and there were voices approaching him.

"Hello?" He called out, but there was no response. He listened and heard it was Owen and Jack. Sure enough, the pair walked into the room. They were chatting about something serious, but gave no indication that they noticed Ianto's presence.

"Look, I don't understand why you don't just retcon the shit outta him and move on."

"It's not that simple Owen."

"Surely he's not that good a shag."

"It's not about that. But no, he's not."

Ianto blinked a few times. Were they talking about him? They couldn't be, not if he was standing right there. Unless they just didn't care if he heard them.

"Hey um I'm not sure why I'm here, last I remember we were in that cottage in Scotland..." Ianto stated loudly. The pair ignored him completely. They didn't even react to his voice, as if they never heard.  
"Guys?"

Ianto's stomach dropped. He tried waving in their faces, but nothing he did seemed to have any effect. He couldn't be seen or heard by them. But he could hear them, and they were definitely talking about him. Confused as he was, he couldn't help listening.

"Jack, I don't want that traitorous bastard hanging around. Don't you worry what he's up to? The fucker spends just as much time lurking down those damned tunnels as before. Who's to say he's not up to something else? He could be plotting the next attack for God's sake! Cyber invasion didn't kill us, so what's next?"

"I know I know! I'm trying to work it out, honest. It's not like we can just raid the place down there. He'd easily cover up anything whenever we were there. I'm hoping that once he starts caring for me I can get close enough to find out."

Every word seemed to make Ianto feel worse, his stomach becoming filled with icy snakes. It was like his worst fears were being realised, everything he was paranoid about was actually true...

"The girls agree, they just can't trust him. They're just too scared to say anything, or be anything other than pleasant in case he decides to do them out. Gwen hates him, Tosh is scared of him more than anything, and I can't stand him. Jack you gotta do something...other than screw him for your own fun."

"Ok yeah it's fun I'll give you that."  
"What about you? How do you feel about our resident insurgent?"

"I ..."

Ianto held his breath. He was already shaking after everything that was said.

"I couldn't care less if he stayed or left. I don't want him out, he does keep the place clean and all. But there could never be anything _real_ between us, it's all just a ploy to keep him where I can control him."

Ianto felt his heart break. It was like the words killed something inside him. Owen wanted him gone, Gwen hated him, Tosh was scared of him, and Jack was just tricking him for control over him. He crumpled to the ground and sobbed, as if his insides were trying to escape. He vaguely heard Owen talk again.

"...it out soon, Jack, cause we can't keep going like this."

"Alright. Alright, you made your point. We have the camping trip next week. I'll figure out something by the time we get back."

Ianto was broken. His whole world shattered. He still didn't know what was happening, or why he could hear the conversation, but he'd made up his mind. He wasn't going to wait around to be punished, retconned, and /or exiled. He let his hand loosen, and out of it rolled the stone. The world faded and suddenly he was back at the cottage, sitting on the dusty bed.

"Ianto, are you alright?"  
Ianto looked up at Gwen, looking down at him with concern. He didn't realise he was panting.

 _The stone let me see the past. No wonder I couldn't interact with it._

Owen perked up at the question and looked over to Ianto, who looked stunned and white, sitting with a stone in his hand. He stepped over and knelt to be eye level.

"You alright mate?" He asked, concerned, and looking him over with his doctor's eyes.

Ianto shook his head.  
"I'm fine. Yeah." He said, pocketing the stone. Owen had seen the markings on it, but thought nothing more of it. He just nodded at Ianto and stood again. Probably just some more affects of the PTSD. Still, Owen decided to keep an eye on him for a while.


	6. 6 Realisation

Ianto sat in his office. Well if you could call it an office. He hadn't done any of his paperwork since getting back from the trip. All he could do was sit and stare into nothingness, remembering what he'd seen. His eyes flickered to his list of pros and cons of life, with Jack still listed as the only pro. He grabbed a pen and violently scribbled it out. He was tempted to write Jack's name in the cons section, but he sighed and dropped the pen. What was the point. It didn't change anything now. They were all so good at lying to him. Pretending to care. But he knew better. He'd caught them watching him ever since the cottage... as if they knew what he'd seen. They'd cover it up, just asking how he was or giving some useless excuse. It was Owen that really bothered him though. It was like the man had a new obsession with him - watching every move and prying into his personal life.

Picking up the pen, Ianto grabbed a new piece of paper. He wrote at the top, 'ways to die'. No point in being subtle. He started just brainstorming all the different ways possible to induce one's own death. He didn't care for the details just yet, he just had to get all the ideas out.

Back in the centre of the Hub, Owen was making a list himself. This one was of Ianto's worrying behaviour. He wrote "seclusive and isolating himself" on the file, and then noticed it'd been a while since Ianto had surfaced. Leaving his list, he got up and went to speak to Jack. If Ianto wasn't there, he'd go looking for him. Just in case. He rapped on the Captain's door, and heard the distracted 'enter' come from the other side. He walked in and sat opposite Jack at the desk.

"Owen, what can I do for you?"

"Have you seen Ianto lately?"  
"No, I assume he's down in the Archives."  
"Where he bloody always is. He's not even bothered to come up here to do the duties on this end today."

Jack smiled and folded his arms. "Someone not get his coffee today?"  
"As a matter of fact, no... I had to make it myself. But you're missing the point. He's your partner, YOU should be the one coming to ME about his wellbeing."  
"He's just been...normal."  
"Yeah, real fucking normal. Jack just because someone is suffering for a long time doesn't make it normal."

Jack didn't like the accusation, but he couldn't deny the truth in the words. He sighed.

"I'm sorry. I guess I just ... want to believe he's alright. And so when I'm presented with that, I just seem to ignore everything that tells me otherwise."  
Owen snorted. "That might make you feel better but it does fuck all to help him. I'm surprised at you, Harkness. I thought you cared more for him."  
"I DO CARE!" Jack snapped, standing. Owen wasn't intimidated though, he was in the right. Jack's reactivity just reinforced that and Jack knew it too. Owen raised an eyebrow.

"I'm sorry Owen. You're the doctor here, I should pay more attention to your opinion."  
"Pay more attention to Ianto, Jack. I'm worried about him. We don't know what the fuck he does down there... he could be slitting his wrists for all we know."

The statement hit Jack hard, his stomach dropping. It was a moment of realisation he should have had a long time ago. Collapsing back into his chair, he looked helplessly at Owen.

"You're right. How could I have been so blind? He... he started to act better when I expected him to. He must have felt like I didn't care for his problems anymore, that I was done and he should just be better... and so gave me what I wanted."

Guilt ravaged through him. It was like reliving the past month, but through Ianto's eyes... and it stung.

"I've been so insensitive... Owen, what have I done?"  
Owen was a little stunned at the sudden turn around, but rolled with it.

"Hey, mate, we're all to blame with that. Look at me! I'm a fucking doctor, I KNEW damn well what happens in these situations, but I did fuck all anyway. What a bastard I am... "

"Still, better than me. I have been..."  
"Yeah ok save the self hate for another time. That's not going to help Ianto now. He needs care, Jack."

Jack looked up at him, seeming to be on the verge of tears.

"Find him. Make sure he's ok. Then... come and tell me." Jack uttered, and Owen nodded. Jack wanted to go himself, but he needed to compose himself first and felt like he wouldn't be welcome company right now anyway.

Tosh had told Owen where Ianto was, based on the life signs detector. She asked what it was for, but all Owen would say was: 'Harkness screwed up. We all did.' He walked down the corridors to Ianto's office. He'd just pretend he was calling out for Ianto later, when he really just wanted to see how Ianto behaved when he thought he was alone. Owen shrugged his shoulders, telling himself he was a bastard anyway, so what did a little snooping matter. He tried to walk as quietly as he could, thankful he was wearing sneakers instead of boots. He approached the light of Ianto's office. He peered inside, seeing Ianto scribbling away on a piece of paper. There was another, that looked just like the one he was writing, beside him. He couldn't read what it was, but he was certainly putting effort into writing it all. Then he saw the stone from the cottage sitting on the corner of the desk. He didn't know what it was, but it was important somehow.

He took a few paces backwards, and then walked forcefully though the doorway.

"THERE you are. I've been calling out for you."

Ianto jumped, and scrambled to hide his suicide list. Owen eyed it, and felt a deep panic at seeing what he'd been writing. He had to go tell Jack. But should he make Ianto go with him? What if Ianto ran if he tried? He'd hardly stand a chance of restraining Ianto, he wasn't all that strong and there were many means to get away down here. If Ianto did run, he could harm himself before they could find him. But if he said something and left, Ianto might think it's his only chance and slip out without being noticed. He needed Jack. And he needed Ianto to just continue here, or come with him, unaware...

"Owen, was there a reason for the intrusion?"  
Owen didn't realise he was standing there still for a while. Thinking quick, he bounced back to his normal grumpy self.  
"Yes, you haven't made the coffee yet! I'm already stopping functioning here... Why haven't you been up there making it?"  
Owen kicked himself... he didn't want to draw attention to the reason. He felt like he was walking on eggshells. Quick, distract...

"Hey what's this?" Owen said, picking up the stone. Ianto looked shocked he'd touched it, but just stared knowing it was too late.

Owen breathed deep. He was back in the office, after obviously seeing some crazy hallucination. He knew it had to be... he couldn't just see those things. His mind was running a million miles an hour.

"Um...huh... ok..." Owen muttered, still trying to make sense of what the fuck he was going to do next. Ianto was staring, waiting to react. Owen swallowed, forming a plan as he spoke.

"Nice spotting Ianto! Alien tech! I should go give this to Harkness. Come make coffee soon?"  
"Um, another time perhaps. I'm a bit swamped here now."

Owen rigidly turned to leave. He was stopped by Ianto.  
"Owen? If you're going to see Jack, would you mind giving him this? They're the forms he asked for."  
Ianto handed Owen a sealed envelope. He hoped Owen would respect the seal and not look inside. Owen took it and nodded, and walked away. He moved to turn on the comm to talk to Jack, but realised he couldn't - not if there was a chance Ianto would hear. He'd have to do this the old fashioned way, and so sped up his pace.


	7. 7 Forced Hand

Ianto sat down and looked over his list of suicide methods. There was no way Owen would have even noticed, he told himself, but he felt the dread of just... what if. He'd already crossed off any method he couldn't do here in the Archives. This was where he'd spent his life, and it gave him a morbid satisfaction to think how long it would take them to notice he was missing down here. He felt like he shouldn't do that to them, but then again... he'd be dead, he wouldn't care. It was a very liberating, and terrifying, thought. He literally could do anything at all, and not have to deal with the mess afterwards, and not even have to care.

He felt paranoid about Owen.

 _What if he did see? Notice something in passing? Or read that letter I left Jack with the forms?_

The envelope he'd given were completed employee discharge forms, and a death certificate with his name and "suicide" written on it. There was also a letter to Jack, explaining the hurt about living and Jack's actions and how he couldn't do it anymore.

 _I can't risk it. People have an annoying habit of doing anything to prevent a suicide, but not giving a damn about you before or after. It's like they just don't care about you being tortured, and force you to stay alive to continue being tortured._

Ianto sighed. He knew he was right. There were plenty of options out there to prevent someone for suicide... but none of those services look twice at someone begging for help before being suicidal. Doctors are the same. They only care about the problem once it's life threatening. Before that they think it's nothing to care about.

 _WANTING to die is never enough for them to help. You have to actually be TRYING to die before they'll do anything._

Ianto continued to grumble to himself, while crossing more things off his list, until he was left with options he could do right here, right now. He looked down his list.

Hanging

Asphyxiation

Weevil

Electrocution

Blood loss - cutting

Alien Tech

Poison

He'd suffered enough pain, and didn't really want to experience more. He crossed off the cutting option. He wasn't sure he'd have the self control to cut that bad. He scribbled out Alien Tech as well. That would mess up the filing, and he'd have to do lots of work to find something and then work out how to use it and it might not even work... no, too much effort. He then crossed off poison - that'd take too long, at least with what was available. And he doubted he'd be able to make it in to a weevil cage, so crossed that one off too.

He stared for a moment, and then circled electrocution. He wasn't fond of the possibility of failing to hang himself. And he did know a reasonable amount about electricity as it was. He rummaged about, and gathered up some batteries. He knew that any more than 200mA of current would just over tense the heart and not cause death, but under 3 would likely not cause fibrillation. Batteries were the best way to get that precision, and he was all about precision. Human skin is a reasonable insulator, when dry at least. Wet it was a factor of 10 or so less resistive, but even that was too much. The voltage required to pass that barrier wouldn't give the optimal results in current passing over the heart. So he decided to bypass it. He worked silently, continuing to talk to himself in his head as he made a circuit of enough batteries. In the end he had two clips as the anode and cathode, and he held them up to look at them.

Meanwhile, Owen had made it to Jack's office. He had run once he was out of earshot of Ianto. He burst into the room, heaving to catch breath.

"Get ...your...arse...down there...NOW." He panted. He bent over, and then stood. "I fucking mean it Jack, he's going to kill himself."

Jack froze, dread washing over him.  
"How do..."  
"I fucking saw the idiot's list! He's determined, obviously! All the ways he can think of to do it. I'm seriously fucking scared, mate. I don't know what to do."  
Jack stood, and began to panic, while rushing.  
"Well, what did you do?"  
"FUCKING RAN TO GET YOU DIDN'T I?"

"What and just left him? Did he know you knew?" Jack asked, rushing out the door, knowing Owen would follow.

"He acted all calm and didn't mention a thing. Just asked to give you these forms. And he had this crazy alien stone that gives you visions." Owen placed both on his desk, and followed him out. "I just said I'd bring it to you. I didn't want to trigger him into running away... if he did it then we'd not find the bastard in time."  
Owen heard Jack swearing under his breath.  
"Jack! Just... be cool, ok? Don't burst in shouting and make him run. You're strong enough to stop him, but be careful."

Jack nodded, and ran down the hall. His heart was pounding and he found it hard to breathe. How could he have let it go this far?

Ianto cut past the skin on either arm, and had put one of the electrodes into the cut on his left. He taped it in place.

Jack rounded the corner, sprinting down the Archives.

Ianto held the other electrode. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He felt a sense of peace inside, enough to overwhelm the dread.

"I'm sorry Jack." He spoke, because despite what he saw, he still loved that man.

Jack entered the Archives, and continued running (now panting) towards Ianto's office. He hadn't decided what he was going to say when he burst through, but he just needed to get there NOW. He could work out the details later.

Ianto pressed the electrode into the cut on his right arm.

Jack could see the light from Ianto's office.

Ianto could feel the current surge though him. It was instant, and all over. His muscles tensed, and he could feel the solid feeling of the current path. He felt a rush of blood to his head, and then everything went black.

Jack stopped and started to walk. Maybe running in wasn't the best idea. He tried to catch his breath as he walked the last hundred metres, using the time to decide what to say.

Ianto fell to the floor, unmoving.

Jack took a breath.

"Ianto, I need to talk to..." Jack said, walking in. He stopped as he saw Ianto's lifeless form crumpled on the floor. Dread and panic washed over him for the second time. He was in total shock, and did nothing but stare for a few seconds. Then he screamed.


	8. 8 A Shock

"IANTO, NO!"

Jack dropped to his knees, grabbing at the Welshman's neck in a feeble attempt to find a pulse he knew he wasn't going to find. He still felt warm, so at least it couldn't have happened too long ago. Jack felt like vomiting at the stillness underneath his fingers. He grabbed Ianto's shoulders and dragged him so he lay flat, and pinched Ianto's nose, tilting his head back. He gave a forceful breath, then another. He then started to compress the man's chest. After three compressions, he flicked on his mic and called for help.

"Owen, Owen help...he's done it... please, get here now..." Jack wailed, voice breaking as he continued to give CPR.

Owen had been sitting in the med bay, mulling things over. He felt the same dread wash over him when he heard the Captain's plea, and instantly grabbed his kit and ran. Tosh and Gwen appeared from their stations, confused and scared.

"Get the stretcher out and bring it to Ianto's office!" Owen shouted to them as he darted past.

Tosh nodded and fetched the stretcher. Gwen stood there, just asking since when they'd had a stretcher. Owen had requisitioned one a few months back, tired of carrying people about the Hub. It certainly was a good decision.

Jack hadn't turned off his comm. Owen could hear the sobbing, intermixed with panting. It was hard to listen to, even in his doctor mode.

"Ianto I'm so sorry... please... please come back to me." Jack spoke as he pressed down on Ianto's still chest. "I need you to come back. I love you... I'll make it up to you, but you have to let me. Please... Yan...let me make this right. And forgive me for being so blind."

Jack's tears spilled over onto Ianto's face when he breathed into the lifeless body. He didn't care if Owen said it was too late, he wasn't giving up. He wasn't ever going to give up being there for Ianto again. Jack was getting light headed, and very dizzy, but he continued undeterred. But still, the only movements were from Jack's compressions.

Owen entered the office.

"Fucking shit!" he exclaimed, dropping to examine Ianto. He saw the electrode still taped to the cut in Ianto's arm, connected to a battery.

"Jack, why didn't you tell me it was electrocution? I don't... Jack?"

Jack had moved away, and swayed from the dizziness. He looked dazed, obviously in shock. Owen saw that he probably didn't even notice the cause. He grabbed the ambu Bag from his kit, and took over resuscitation. Jack watched helplessly, tears streaming, unable to breathe.

"Jack, I need you to squeeze the air in when I stop."

Jack nodded, and did as he was told.

"C'mon mate." Owen spoke, compressing Ianto's chest. There was the distinct sound of ribs popping out of place that ground against Jack. But he made no reaction. He just stared, hoping, wishing that Ianto would breathe. Owen checked the pulse, but still nothing. He didn't expect to bring Ianto back - really, only a defibrillator would help. And that was back in the med-bay.

The girls arrived with the stretcher. If they made noises, neither Jack or Owen could tell. They were too focused on Ianto.

"On three... one, two, three!" And with that they lifted him onto the stretcher. Owen climbed on, kneeling over Ianto, to continue chest compressions.

Jack moved to continue his assigned job. It's all he could think about. Wait, squeeze, squeeze, wait, squeeze...

Tosh and Gwen pushed the stretcher. It was a little difficult, but the adrenaline gave them the extra strength.

"Ianto, don't you die on me. Come on..." Owen continued to talk.

Before long, they arrived in the med bay. Owen jumped off, and pulled out the defibrillator. Jack kept forcing air into Ianto's lungs. Owen tore open Ianto's shirt, squeezed gel onto the skin, and attached the two patches over the top.

"Alright, clear!"

Everyone backed away. Owen gave the shock. The machine resounded a single solid tone. Jack swallowed, eyes darting between Ianto and Owen. The doctor moved forward to continue resuscitating manually.  
"Talk to us, Owen."  
"I can't just keep shocking him... needs a break..."

Owen grabbed a tube from the crash cart, and intubated. He connected it to oxygen, and asked Jack to continue squeezing the attached bag. They didn't have anything better, so Jack would have to do. He gave a few rounds of CPR and then Owen returned to the defibrillator.

"Clear!"

Jack let go of the bag and stood back. Jack's heart leapt at the soft pulsing tone.  
"Got a pulse, weak. I'm going to inject some adrenaline... oh wait, damn it Ianto!"

Just as Owen returned to face Ianto, he flatlined again.  
"Owen, please ... save him..."  
"I'm doing my fucking best! Breathe for us, Ianto... I'm sorry, mate, really... just don't die on us."

Jack shook, trying to focus on just the oxygen bag. He softly petted Ianto's cheek, uttering helplessly to the lifeless face. Owen instructed them to stand back again, and gave another jolt. The machine indicated another response, and Jack hoped against all hope the weak heartbeat would stay.

"Injecting now."

Owen stabbed Ianto in the chest with the adrenaline.  
"Good... getting stronger." Owen muttered.

Ianto heaved a rugged, shallow breath. At that wonderful sound, Jack exhaled the breath he'd been holding all this time, and then fell to the floor.  
Owen peered over.  
"Fucking hell, Harkness."

Gwen piped up, after staring the whole time. "Um... aren't you going to..."  
"I'm FUCKING BUSY! Leave him there, he's fine. And even if he's not it's not like he'll bloody stay dead like MY CURRENT PATIENT." Owen snapped, working hard.

The girls took that to mean 'get out of my ER'. They weren't being of any help. They anxiously moved over to their desks, where they just sat and waited for news. Jack remained on the floor, however began to stir. He pulled himself up.

"Yanto? Owen is he ok? Owen?"

"Yes, Jack, he's doing ok. I can't say for sure but it seems like he's made it through. It's lucky you found him when you did."

Jack panted again, relieved. He sat down on a box, and watched as Owen finished up.  
"I'm giving him a sedative. I don't want him waking up any time soon. We all need a bit of time before dealing with that hurdle."  
Owen had put in an IV, and so just injected the sedative into that channel. He then dropped into his chair and leant backwards, putting his hands over his face.

"Thank you Owen."  
Owen looked at Jack, and smiled.

"Anytime."

Returning his gaze to the ceiling, Owen spoke.

"Jack, we need to talk."

Jack felt a twinge of nerves, but after what he'd just been through, it didn't even matter.  
"I know. What do we do? When he wakes?"

Owen looked at him sternly, and sighed.

"Jack we need help. I mean it. Serious help. I mean... this... this wasn't a cry for attention. He didn't hint at anything. I'm worried we won't be able to stop him next time."  
"You... you think there's going to be a next time?"

"I'm really afraid there will be. We can't let the confidentiality thing stop us getting him proper help. We're not professionals, Jack."

"What do you recommend?"  
"Psych ward."

Jack stared at Owen.  
"We can't..."  
"Jack. We have to. However it happens... it has to happen."

"But -"

"No, Jack. We'll lose him otherwise."


	9. 9 Relinquishing Control

Jack stood and walked away. He couldn't hear this. Committing Ianto would just enforce him feeling rejected. He needed to just sit and think. He sat at his desk and mulled over what Owen had said. He didn't want to think Owen was right. His eyes looked down at the stone sitting on the desk.

"An Altracti Fear Stone? What's Ianto doing with this? No wonder he just snapped..."

He opened the letter on the desk. The last letter Ianto thought he was giving. He unfurled the papers, seeing filled-in employee discharge forms, a death certificate, and a letter addressed to him. He burst into tears.

"Oh Ianto..."

Seeing the death certificate with the word "suicide" broke something inside Jack. Owen's words rung through his head - this wasn't a cry for help. He was really serious.

"Ok. Owen's right."

Jack opened the note left to him and read.

 _My dearest Jack,_

 _I'm so sorry you see me as just a play toy, a threat for you to control. Even if your feelings for me were all just a ruse, mine for you were genuine. You were my everything, my entire world revolved around you, and it broke my heart to find out about your true intentions. The stone opened my eyes, and took away the only reason I had to live. Everything else was just too painful. I hurt every moment of every day, but had to keep it all to myself because it was considered inappropriate. I had to hide away to keep people from seeing the pain inside simply because it was inconvenient for them. Even you stopped allowing me to show the suffering after, what you considered, an appropriate amount of time. I just can't live in this world anymore. I can't take the loneliness and expectations. I feel bad that I don't get to say goodbye in person, but I know I have to go, and you still have the power over me to stop me - even if it's not real for you. But I will say thank you, because you gave me the happiness I needed to live. It was just selfish and hopeful of me to think it would last. But it's all ok now. Everything is as it should be. I don't belong here anymore._

 _I love you. It saddens me to think that if there is an afterlife, I won't see you there._

 _I will remain yours, for as long as I - and you - live._

 _Ianto Jones._

Jack balled.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry..."

The letter had torn his heart out. He would ask himself why Ianto would ever think he didn't care for him, but he knew why. The stone had shown him his worst fear, and not knowing what it was, thought it was real. He left his office to go sit by Ianto's side.

"Jack?"  
Jack said nothing to Owen, who was writing up a report. Jack dragged the make-shift stool to Ianto's bedside. He kissed his forehead and sat himself down.

"I'm so sorry, Yan, that you saw what you did. If only you'd told me, I could have explained... You are everything to me, Yan. Everything. Nothing would ever change that, you hear? I'm going to be here now. Always when you need. You can be as broken as you need, I'm not leaving you, and I always care. It was all real."

Owen returned to his paperwork. He didn't mind Jack sitting there talking to himself. Tosh had kept coming back every five minutes for news, until Owen shooed her away saying he'd call if anything changed, that they could all come together soon and talk, but he needed to do some paperwork first. He was tired, now that the adrenaline had worn off.

"Jack, we need to get him to a proper facility soon, and it's going to take some time to organise. I need your approval."

"Yes. Do what you can. I'll make a call to UNIT."

Jack got up again. He was going to look after Ianto if it killed him. And that meant there was no option other than caring for his Ianto until he was better.

Jack called UNIT, and they actually had a couple of suggestions for him. He said he needed to meet any of the psychiatrists before letting them meet Ianto, and that he needed somewhere to have Ianto on a 24 hour suicide watch. They suggested the UNIT hospital, but it was in London. He didn't want to ship Ianto out to London, but both of their psychiatrists were in London too. He was left with either committing Ianto in a local hospital and trying to avoid the awkward issues of secrecy and finding a psychiatrist they could give clearance to, or going to London for maybe months. He'd said he'd call them back soon with an answer. For now, he called a team meeting in the med-bay to discuss what had happened and where to go from here.

"We have to commit Ianto. But he's not going to be happy about it." Jack said solemnly.

"Jack, start at the beginning. Tosh and I are very confused..."  
"The fucker tried to off himself."  
"Owen, that's enough. Apparently he'd been unhappy for some time. But just faked it because he thought we wanted him to, that had to. It...it was my fault. I didn't ... care for him like he needed." Jack fought back the tears, taking a deep breath.

"But I'm going to care for him now. Even if he hates me for it. Anyway, on our hike, he found this."  
Jack lifted a bag, and the stone was inside.

"An Altracti Fear Stone. They use these to see one's own deepest fears. And somehow... Ianto found one. And thought it was all real."

"And so he just decided to commit suicide?" Gwen asked, with a tone of 'well that's not enough'.

"He didn't 'just' decide to do that. He... he thought... that we hated him. All of us. That ... I ... hated him, just using his emotions to control him. He wrote me a letter, telling me that I was all that was keeping him here, and so when he saw the vision, he didn't have reason to live anymore."

"How?" Tosh questioned.

"Electrocution." Owen stated bluntly. "I'd noticed a change in him and thought I'd keep an eye on him, but when I saw he'd made a list of different suicide methods, I panicked and just went to get Jack. He must have noticed... and tried before we could stop him."  
"Ok. So what now?"  
"Well Gwen, there are two options. We take him to London, have him admitted to the UNIT hospital and have their psychiatrist work with him. But that'd likely take months. Or, we find a local hospital, try explain the situation to the staff and somehow find a psychiatrist that we can give clearance to so Ianto can actually talk."

There was silence. Both options had ups and downfalls. The team didn't want to say anything in case it contradicted with Jack.

"I'm asking for opinions, guys." Jack said to the blank faces.

It was Tosh who spoke first.

"I think he should stay here. He knows it here, it'll make him more comfortable and less like we're exporting the problem."  
"I agree with Tosh. I know a couple of people from the police days that are used to dealing with trauma. He's family now, Jack, we can't just send him away."

Jack nodded. "I wanted to keep him here too, where we can all help. I just wanted to make sure I was doing what was right for him, not what made me feel best."

"I'll organise it with the hospital then. Gwen, could you give me the names of those doctors?" Owen asked, swivelling in his chair.

"Contact them all, I want to meet each of them first." Jack said.

"I'll start doing some research into how we can help."  
"Alright, but once you do that I'm going to need you and Gwen to manage most of the things around here for a while. Owen and I need to be around Ianto for the first part of this."

Tosh nodded at Jack, and started looking through her computer. Jack petted Ianto's cheek.

"It's ok my love. We'll help you."

Jack gave him a gentle kiss.


	10. 10 Unwelcome Awakening

Ianto opened his eyes. Everything was blurry, and he had no idea where he was. It was bright, and fairly white, so he knew it wasn't the Archives. Was there an afterlife? He breathed, his throat feeling dry, the sterile smell filling his nostrils. Then he noticed the pain in his chest. He winced, but that seemed to make the pain worse. He heard movement, and someone talking. He couldn't make out what they were saying, but he recognised his name. The room came into focus and he saw Jack, standing over him.

"Yan, Yan? How do you feel?"  
Ianto blinked a few times. What went wrong?

"Jack..." he rasped, not knowing what to say or wanting to say it. All he could feel was an overwhelming dread. He was stuck here now... there was no way he'd be let out of here any time soon after a suicide attempt. Wherever here was.

"Just relax, Yan. You're safe. I'm going to take care of you, ok?"

He wanted to be angry, but Ianto just felt defeated. What was the point of anger? A whole lot of energy on something getting him nowhere.

 _Story of my life._

"Why?"  
Jack looked at him, tilting his head, not understanding the question.

"Why am I going to care for you? Because I love you, Yan."  
Ianto snorted. He knew was that was a lie. But that wasn't what he meant.

"No. Why did you save me?"

"Same answer."

Ianto looked grumpy. Jack knew this was going to be hard for all of them, but it still hurt to hear Ianto believe Jack didn't care for him.

"How...how..."

Ianto was having trouble getting the words out. Jack sat beside him and stroked his arm, looking very upset.

"I'm so sorry Yan."

Ianto raised an eyebrow at him.

"It was Owen who noticed. He'd been keeping an eye on you, since he was worried. He saw your suicide methods list, and ran to get me. I'm ashamed, Yan, I didn't want to believe it. I've gone over it a thousand times in my head and I know that if I had just ran to you like he said, I could have stopped you... but I didn't. I argued. I didn't believe. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you Ianto. I'm sorry I was so blind, that I didn't support, and that I was too late to stop you."

Jack was crying. Ianto just watched. Jack looked very sincere in his pain. Ianto noticed the dark circles around his eyes, and the redness that showed he'd been crying a lot lately. This unsettled Ianto... even though he knew better, he couldn't stop feeling that Jack was being honest, and was actually hurting. Doubt started creeping in. His love towards Jack was still there, and he wanted to hug Jack to ease his pain. But another, more sinister and hurt voice spoke to him, saying that Jack didn't do that for him.

"I don't want you to forgive me, Ianto. Not yet. I need to make it up to you."

Jack didn't deserve forgiveness, so he told himself. He'd wanted to kill himself as punishment. He'd settled for cutting himself instead. He'd felt that it was a more fitting punishment: death brought a silent peace, but cutting he had to feel the pain the whole time. Ianto still remained quiet. But then he started crying.

"Ianto?"

"I failed."

"No no no, my love, no. I failed you. And surviving this isn't a failure. If it makes you feel better, you did give us a hell of a scare. It looked like you weren't going to make it for a moment there."  
Ianto still wept. He rolled onto his side and curled up. He looked so pitiful. Jack moved to sit beside him, and stroked him softly.

"I'm trapped."  
Jack didn't say anything. He knew it was true, and he knew what that felt like. He knew what it was like to want nothing more than to just die and have it over, but to not have that option. Well, not for very long at least in his case.

They sat like that for a while. Jack didn't know how to talk about what was going to happen with him. Maybe it was better he didn't know. He already knew enough that he was going to be trapped, adding anything more might not be the best idea.

Owen walked in, announced himself, and moved over to Ianto. The man rolled over to face him, and gave him a deadly scowl. Owen knew enough to expect as much, and so didn't react.  
"Hello Ianto, good to see you."  
"You were the one."

Owen looked at the paperwork on the clipboard he was holding.

"Yep. I know you're angry now mate, but you won't always be. If you want to hate me for saving your life, so be it. But I will do it as many times as I have to."

Owen seemed to be emotionally distant, a method taught in medical school, but he couldn't help feeling a little upset. Ianto gave up trying to make him feel bad. That wasn't going to accomplish anything.

"Now, you're going to be a bit sore for a while, Ianto. I dislocated some of your ribs in resuscitation. We've done what we can now to repair that, but you'll have to take it easy for a bit. As you might have guessed, I'm going to be looking after your primary care, physically at least. There's going to be a psychiatrist here to deal with the mental and emotional side of things. But don't think that you can't talk to me either."

Owen sighed and lowered the clipboard.

"I care about you mate. If you'd come to me I could have helped... put you on some meds that might have helped at the very least. Oh yes you're going to be starting antidepressants now, by the way. Seriously though, I know I seem a prat, but I do want to help."

Ianto just looked at him. He didn't know what to say, or feel. Owen sat in the chair Jack was on before.

"I don't know if I did the right thing, when I was there in your office. I saw your list. And I panicked. I... I wasn't running away from you. I keep wondering if I should have talked to you then and there, gotten you to come with me. But ... honestly... would you have come? Knowing we'd be in your way?"  
Ianto lowered his gaze, and gently shook his head. Owen seemed to loosen some tensed muscles. It had been eating him up inside, wondering what might have been. It had been too close a call.

"The psych will be in here later on. He's been given clearance, and told a little of the backstory, so don't worry. You can tell him anything you want to. Just... please try."

Owen left, leaving just Jack sitting on Ianto's bed.

"Ianto, I have to talk to you."  
"Do you now?"

"Please, look at me."

Ianto obliged. Jack pulled out a bag from his pocket, and inside was the stone.

"Ianto, I know what happened. But... I don't think you do."  
"Don't tell me what I do and don't know, Jack." Ianto growled.  
"You wrote me that letter. I know you misunderstood. This... this doesn't show you the past, or the truth, or whatever you think you saw. It's called a Fear Stone. A race called the Altracti use them to show oneself their deepest fears. It's not true. It's just you... you saw what you feared the most."

The pit of Ianto's stomach dropped. Was that true? Had he broken the one reason he had to live?

"How do you know?"

"I've seen them before."  
"Did you use it?"  
"No. Ianto, I didn't need to... you showed it to me. I'm living it now. And it's worse because it's real."

"Like what I thought."

"Hey, I'm not blaming you ... of course you thought that, you didn't know what it was... I just wish you said something, then I could have explained."

 _Sure, Jack. Keep piling the guilt on. That's not going to keep me wanting to die at all._

Ianto was crying again.  
"'Doesn't change everything else, Jack."

"I know."


	11. 11 A Strange Doctor

They sat there in silence for almost an hour. Jack didn't want to talk to add more pain to Ianto. He seemed to just be making it worse. Ianto was lost in thought. They welcomed the knock on the door as the psychiatrist came in.

"Doc, thanks for coming so soon." Jack said, standing and shaking the man's hand. There had only been a day since Ianto had attempted suicide. Jack was glad that he had the power to enforce more urgency with people. Looking back, he probably could have been friendlier to those he'd spoken to. Jack had managed to meet with three local psychiatrists and a psychologist, chosen one, gotten him clearance, discussed the situation with him, and organised regular visits... all in the space of 24 hours.

"No worries, Jack. And this is Ianto?"

Ianto looked over to him. He didn't look at all what he'd expected. His hair was short but curly, with a longer fringe that waved over his forehead to the side. He looked young, not even 30 yet. He was overweight, mostly in the belly, with fairly lean, muscular arms and legs. But he wore a warm friendly grin, with kind blue eyes, as he tucked his hands into his lab coat. His attire was a lot more casual than Ianto liked: crimple-dyed blue shit under a navy thin cotton hoodie, jeans, and hiking boots.

"Don't mind the coat, I wear it mostly to stop the staff telling me to go back to the waiting room." the man said, taking the lab coat off and putting it on the chair near the door.

His voice was strange. The accent was...wasn't local, but Ianto couldn't tell exactly what it was. And it was higher pitched than expected.

"Ianto, this is Dr. McTaegan. He's the psychiatrist. He'll be coming around and seeing you every day for now. Please try to talk... I know you don't want to, but please try my love. I'll be close by if you need."

Jack walked away, and Dr. McTaegan nodded to him. Ianto looked away. The doctor sighed, and walked over to sit in the chair by Ianto's bed. He pulled a small book out of his hoodie pocket, and a pen.

"So, Ianto. Your friends have only given me a small amount of detail I'm assuming. Still, it's a lot to take in all in one day."

Ianto said nothing.

"You can call my Bryn, by the way."

"Why?"

"Well, it's my name. I suppose you can call me whatever you like, but I prefer -"

"No. Why did you come here?"  
"I could say it's because I wanted to help. But I know you're a smart man, and can work out that I could have just helped any regular person without bothering about all the security clearance stuff. So to be honest... because I was curious. This is the most interesting thing that's happened to me in a long time. I don't mean to speak ill of my other patients but it can all get a bit mundane."

Ianto sat up. He hadn't expected that answer. It seems he had a preconception of what a psychiatrist was supposed to be like, and this guy didn't fit the box.

"I... I didn't expect you to be that honest."  
"Oh I'm a fairly honest person. I only lie when it's necessary to do so."  
"And when would that be, hm? Lying that you care about your patients lives?"  
"No, more along the lines of... people asking me if their baby is cute. No matter how ugly I think it looks, I can't say anything other than compliments if I want to leave unharmed." Bryn chuckled. Ianto smiled. But then he sighed.

"You're only here because you're paid to be."

"I wouldn't say only, but yes, I am being paid to be here. It's my job. If you make coffee at your job, and give it to others, you're technically being paid to do that. I make coffee without being paid for it, like you probably listen to friends without being paid for it. Ok well I don't drink coffee, but the point still stands. Don't let me being a professional make you think that I don't want to help. It just means that's how I pay the bills."

"Fine. But how do I know you actually care?"  
"I suppose you don't. I mean we did just meet, after all. But over time you might find that you come to like me."

Ianto wanted to say that he wouldn't, but he'd been pleasantly surprised with Bryn so far. He was still worried about saying anything of consequence, though. While Ianto was sure Jack had already told Bryn about the two of them being in a relationship, he still felt wary to mention it. It wasn't something he generally talked about, or revealed to other people.

"Well how about we talk about me first then?"

Ianto didn't react. He just sat there, afraid to say anything, wishing he wasn't even there.

"I'm Bryn. I was born in Australia, moved to Belgium after my undergraduate degree, got married there, then moved to Scotland for a while with her, and then moved to Wales only a couple of years ago."

Ianto just blinked. Well, that would explain the accent.

"What's Australia like?"  
"Bloody hot. And dry. Like, unbelievably dry compared to here. I think one of my first comments in Europe was, 'oh my god everything is wet'. That was the main reason I left... the land in constant state of dying. I didn't mind everything there being able to kill you."

"Did you have trouble with the wildlife?"

"You just learn to avoid those things growing up. Sure, I had a couple of close calls with the world's second most deadly snake, and fought off a 'roo once, and the bloody spiders everywhere...but no overall, not really."

"Why did you leave then?"  
"To live with my wife. Partner back then. We met online. The Australian government weren't accepting of our lifestyle, and were needlessly unfair. I'd had enough of it, honestly. So I moved to Belgium. I learnt Dutch, got married, taught English a little."

"Wait, why would the government not accept your lifestyle?"

Bryn smiled. "The government is not very friendly towards transgender or same-sex couples."

Ianto's eyes widened slightly.  
"You're...?"  
"Yep. Transgender. My wife's, well... more intersex, but technically transgender too."  
Ianto blinked slightly.

"Do they know?"  
"Most don't question it. There are many people out there that are trans, who just go about living their lives without others knowing otherwise. As it should be."  
"So does that make you gay or straight?"  
Bryn shrugged.

"I gave up thinking about it. I find humans like to make categories to explain phenomena, and then freak out when something doesn't fit into the categories they created... and either ignore, destroy, or change that thing until it does fit their ideals. What about you?"  
"Me?"

"Do you think you're gay, straight, something else, or just...you?"

Ianto thought. "Just me I guess. I thought it was only women until Jack, and even now it's really just him."  
Bryn nodded. "That's good."

Ianto didn't want to initiate any conversation. Bryn seemed easy enough to talk to, there was definitely no judgement or superiority complexes going on, but he didn't want to bring up topics. Bryn left the silence for a moment, and then started talking again.

"Your job sounds so interesting. I don't know much about it yet, of course, but I can imagine you've seen some pretty intense things."

Ianto nodded.

"Do you get much down time though?"  
Ianto shook his head.  
"So you don't do much else in the evenings? No pets, or sports or anything?"  
"No. How could I? This job takes up your whole life... and anything else becomes... _mundane_." Ianto responded, purposefully emphasising Bryn's word.

"I can understand that. How could you think playing squash or something was important, when you knew how small and insignificant it was compared to what's out there, that you deal with every day?"

Ianto just nodded again. Bryn jotted down a few notes.  
"Don't worry, just making some notes to remind me later. I've got a terrible memory for things these days. Nothing bad about you, I promise. And no one else will see it."

Ianto looked away.

"Now, has your friend Owen mentioned you're going to be starting antidepressants?"  
Ianto snorted and nodded.

"Medication is a good thing, Ianto. It's treatment for your mind. If you had a gash in your arm, you wouldn't snort at getting stitches. This is the same thing... something to help you keep things together until a time when you're able to manage. Now I've just started you on one drug that has a pretty good success rate. I do have to warn you that there is increased risk of suicide in the first few weeks, as with almost antidepressants. These will help with any feelings of anxiety you have as well."

"I don't want them."

"Well you're getting them either way, I'm afraid. It's not that bad. I've taken them in the past."

Ianto looked at him, suspicious.

"I have, I'm not lying."  
"Did they help?"  
"Not at first, but after a while there was a gradual change that let me have more control of the emotions. They didn't block out the emotions, or make me feel happy, but they don't really work that way. They're designed to help you manage with therapy."

Ianto said nothing. Bryn noticed the tension in him, like two sides of a war going on in his mind.

"Hey, have a look at my doggy."

Ianto stared with a blank face.

"Why?"

"Because I love him. It's important to focus on the things we love."

Bryn took out his phone, and opened a picture of an old, grey husky.

"His name is Kenai. He's 15... getting really old. I had him in Australia, but was able to bring him with me."

He was cute, Ianto admitted. And well loved. He wished he was well loved. But no, he was ignored and sent away and had to be helped by a complete stranger. Without meaning to, he burst into tears. Bryn said nothing, and handed him the tissue box.

"I'm sorry..." Ianto mumbled.

"Hey, don't be. Crying is good, one of the best emotional releases out there. Good job." Bryn said, smiling at him. Ianto didn't think of it as lightly. He hated himself for showing the weakness, but the past hour and a bit had proved too overwhelming for him to handle. And what was the point of trying to keep it together anyway? What more could they possibly do to him?


	12. 12 Apologies

Jack had insisted to stay with Ianto as much as possible. Normally, staying in the patient's room wouldn't be allowed, but the staff of the hospital were powerless against the authority Jack commanded. Jack had gotten a fold-away mattress and slept beside Ianto. He had to show Ianto that he did care. According to Bryn, Ianto hadn't been opening up in the sessions. Jack noticed too how Ianto spent the day just laying in bed, staring into nothing. It was heartbreaking for Jack to watch, his Ianto once so full of life now just laying there in the bed, utterly defeated.

He hardly ate, and Jack had to watch him to make sure he did. Owen would visit at least once a day to check up on him. His vitals were consistently good, and so there wasn't a lot for Owen to do since psychiatrist was prescribing the medication. He would visit at the same time every day, sit in the same chair, and pull out the same little notebook. Ianto's first encounter had been a lot more productive than those that followed. He'd shut off, after the initial overwhelming feelings. Dr. McTaegan would ask questions, fill in blanks with anecdotes of his life, try relate to Ianto, guess how his life was... nothing seemed to get much of a reaction. Ianto was a little more responsive to Jack, but still lifeless. If Ianto could manage the strength of a confrontation, he'd ask Jack to leave him alone. He secretly liked the company though.

The psychiatrist walked out from another disappointing session.

"Doc, how's it going?" Jack asked, spending the time in the hallway outside Ianto's door, like usual.

"He's completely shut off, Jack. It's going to take a while to get through to him but I'm running out of ways to get a response. My being there is doing nothing if he doesn't partake. I've had stubborn patients before, and they don't start healing until they actually interact. The question is just...how long that's going to take."

"Is there anything I can do?"

"Well... just stay with him. No matter what he says or does to make you leave, just stay. He's not in the right frame of mind at the moment. He might say he doesn't want you around, but he doesn't mean it. If he breaks it off with you, he doesn't actually want that. He's likely just looking for ways to isolate himself so he's more comfortable with the idea of ending his life. I get he sense he likes order and control, and so taking control of you is all he really has available to him right now."

"Just please don't give up on him..." Jack whimpered. Dr. McTaegan smiled.

"With what you're paying me? Nah." Bryn joked, winking at Jack. His face became more serious, and he looked directly at Jack. "I won't, ok? I don't give up."

Jack put a fresh glass of water on Ianto's bedside. It was raining, and Ianto had decided to watch the droplets run down the window for the past two hours. Jack was at a loss. Ianto had given up fighting, and even given up trying to pretend to be fighting. He sat on the edge of the bed, and softly stroked Ianto's cheek, without even a flicker of those beautiful eyes his way. There was a beep as Jack got a message on his phone. He looked at it, and knew he had to go.

"I will be back my love." Jack said, kissing Ianto's head. Ianto didn't move. Sighing, Jack got up and left. At least the hospital was only ten minutes from the Hub.

Ianto didn't have the energy to do anything anymore. He just lay there. He didn't care about the sores or aches it caused him. He just didn't care about anything anymore. He was completely trapped in that room, and there was no hope.

Bryn sat in his chair, looking at Ianto with those kind eyes.

"Is it dangerous, what Jack does?" Bryn asked eventually.

Ianto's eyes flickered up to his, and nodded. It was the most response he'd given the man in a week.

"Does it hurt, knowing he's out there in danger and you can't be there to help?"

Ianto made a soft shake of his head. Bryn tilted his head, waiting for an explanation.

"Why not?"

Ianto stared. It seemed he was willing to have a discussion about Jack, provided it was entirely one sided.

"Do you care about him?"  
Ianto nodded.

"Do you worry he won't return?"  
Ianto shook his head.

"Why don't you worry?"

Ianto stared. Bryn held his gaze, wanting at least some answer. It took a while, but eventually Ianto opened his mouth, and a high pitched squeak emerged.

"Jack always comes back to me."

"You have a lot of faith in him."  
"No."

Again, Dr McTaegan was confused.  
"You just know?"  
Ianto nodded.

"How do you know he'll always come back to you?"  
Ianto was getting annoyed. He must know of Jack's immortality by now, so why the interrogation?

"He can't die." Ianto grumbled, letting it known he was not happy with the doctor's ignorance.

He just nodded at Ianto's words. He sat there, making some notes, and then looked back at Ianto, who was glad the conversation had ended.

"It's time we finished up, but I want to leave you with a question to think about for tomorrow. Jack being unable to die means he'll always come back to life, yes, but not that he'll always come back to you. So, why is it that you know he'll come back to _you_?" Bryn asked, standing. He grabbed his coat and left.

Ianto's mind was swimming. He'd never considered that before. He was angry at the doctor for saying it, even accusing that Jack didn't have reason to go back to him. But he couldn't stop asking himself the question. Why did Jack always come back to him? Even after Ianto had been ignoring him completely, Jack had stayed. It didn't make sense to do that if he was locked away in a hospital, away from the Hub, and Jack was only pretending to care for control over his actions. More and more, Ianto believed Jack's initial words to him, that the vision had been nothing but a lie. Jack had continued to treat him lovingly, refused to leave him except when it was necessary.

Ianto curled into a ball and cried. He wanted to hurt himself. Badly. He'd been such an awful person to Jack lately, and Jack loved him so much he didn't care and stayed regardless. The psychiatrist was right. Jack didn't have a reason to come back to him. A sliver of panic ran through him that Jack would indeed stay away this time. But he reassured himself that no, Jack wouldn't.

 _Why?_

Ianto paused.

 _Because he loves me._

"I don't know what you did, doctor, but I'm glad you did." Jack spoke to the psychiatrist.

Since Ianto had been asked why Jack would come back to him, Ianto had been different. Jack had been more worried when he returned from the weevil hunt to a balling, apologetic Ianto. He didn't know what had happened, but in that short few hours Ianto had gone from an empty shell to overflowing with emotions. Mostly of remorse, regret, self-loathing, and pain. Ianto had grabbed him, apologised over and over, and thanked him for coming back. As pitiful as it was to hear, Jack was glad he was at least talking now. Seeing him lay there, dead inside, was too much to bear.

The psychiatrist just tapped his nose, smiling at Jack. He unzipped his hoodie, putting it on the chair outside Ianto's door, and put his lab coat on. He then tossed the light blue jacket over his arm and walked away, waving behind his back.  
"See you tomorrow." He said loudly down the corridor.

Oh yes, Jack had made the right choice. The others had been all very formal, serious, and a fair bit older. This quirky non-standard doctor stood out like a rainbow in the middle of a black and white war film.


	13. 13 Recovery

Ianto had spoken to the doctor about Jack for most of the week. The first day was mostly annoyance over the question, but then delved into self hatred themes. He thought the doctor would agree, or maybe even try disagree, but on the contrary he'd just asked more questions. More of those annoying questions that would drop him into the deep end of his emotional pool. Occasionally he'd been hit in the face with an answer to the questions he wasn't expecting, like a fish snuck up on him in that pool and slapped him. He didn't particularly enjoy it.

The doctor had shown Ianto more pictures of his dog, usually whenever Ianto got uncomfortable with the conversation and there was awkward silence. He'd asked him why, but the psychiatrist had just said: 'he's a husky, he's a perfect ice breaker'. Ianto had just rolled his eyes, but a smile had escaped his lips as well.

The impulse inside his gut to kill himself had faded since accepting that Jack did care for him. He wasn't sure how much longer he was meant to stay in the hospital, but he didn't mind being there anymore. It wasn't as stressful or dangerous as his job, and importantly, there were no expectations for him to fulfil. If he wanted to curl up and cry, he could. If he wanted to stare out the window, he could. If he wanted to be honest and open about his feelings, he could, and not worry about the consequences afterward. It was almost as if life was becoming tolerable.

He still had to be honest with himself though. He still did think about ending his life every day, even if he wasn't actively thinking it anymore. It was as if the thoughts had become a seperate entity, and danced about his brain trying to entice him. Ianto supposed it could have always been that way; separate thoughts sneaking in and tempting him, convincing him to oblige. But he didn't feel the separation then, to his own thoughts. He didn't particularly want to harm himself either, but he still had the urge. He knew he would, if he had the chance. He hated that he couldn't deny it, or control it, but it was just another thing that had beaten him. He was embarrassed to tell the doctor, but answered when it was asked of him. He felt like it was something only troubled teenagers would do, nothing an adult should. Bryn had explained otherwise, that it was just a coping mechanism for the emotional pain. It didn't help the shame he felt though, even if Jack insisted he not feel it.

He really appreciated Jack staying with him when he could. Jack had to join Gwen and Tosh fairly regularly. One of their team might be out of action, but the rift sure wasn't. Every other day there was technology, junk, and aliens thrown into their domain. All the other times Jack had spent with Ianto. He was glad that Ianto seemed to be improving. He responded to Jack, engaged in light conversation, and no longer scowled at Owen in the mornings. He'd even said hello to him once. Jack knew it was hard on Owen, but his stubbornness was proving an asset. Yesterday he'd told Jack that the hospital wants to release him. Jack had instructed Owen to tell the hospital where to shove it. He couldn't risk Ianto going back out into the world when he was still such a danger to himself. Still, Owen had called a meeting between himself, Jack, the Head Nurse, and Dr. McTaegan in order to placate the hospital administration.

"Any environment that isn't strictly monitored and controlled has the potential to allow harm to be done." Dr McTaegan informed them.

"Exactly, so he should stay here."  
"Jack you can't just keep him here forever. Wrapping him in bubble wrap isn't going to help him when he has to be dropped back into life, and _our_ lives at that." Owen stated. He knew that coddling Ianto now would only make it harder for him to adjust to the difficulties of their Torchwood lives.

"But, Dr Harper, remember that exposing him too soon to those stressors will only cause a relapse that will be even more difficult to recover from."

It was true; it was a difficult situation. Sending Ianto home would expose him to stresses and dangers that were removed here, which could lead to him relapsing back into the same dark place. But at the same time, Ianto getting adjusted to hospital life, without anything to control himself, could just make him less able to cope on his own in the world anyway.

"Dr McTaegan, what do you think is the best course of action?"

Bryn sighed and rubbed his face with his hands. "I propose a mid ground. Discharge him from the hospital, but have him return to a controlled environment. Re-introduce things to him one at a time. So that means, we'll have to make his home suitable for his return, and Jack will need to stay there with him."

All parties in the room nodded, humming in agreement.  
"I'll start getting things ready at his place." Jack said, moving to stand.

"Jack, you need to remove any temptations for him. That means sharp objects, poisons, anything that he could use to harm himself."  
Jack winced inwardly and nodded, not liking that he had to consider that. But he would do it. He would do anything for Ianto.

"I'll let you know when I'm done."

"And I'll get the discharge sorted." The nurse spoke for the first time in a while.

"I'll go talk to Ianto." The psychiatrist ended with, also standing to leave.

Owen remained seated at the table, watching the others go.

"I'll just... do nothing then, I suppose." He said to himself, and slouched in the chair. He was a damn good doctor and even a friend of Ianto's, but he'd felt so separated from him since his admittance.


	14. 14 Back Home

Ianto took a deep breath and laid back on the couch. It was good to be home. It wasn't so ... sterile. He of course expected his place to have been rummaged before he was allowed to set foot back inside, removing any dangerous items. But he didn't really care, all that mattered was that he was back some place comfortable.

"Ianto, do you want me to join you in your bed or would you prefer I had my own?"  
Ianto considered for a moment. He wanted to say both, for Jack to be with him but there to be a backup that wouldn't be so awful an option if things went sour. But he figured that it was one or the other, and so opted for the sharing. He still felt numb and empty inside, and the physical contact did help.

Jack smiled at him and moved his bags up into Ianto's room. The welsh man eyed him carefully, and once he was upstairs, Ianto moved into the kitchen to investigate. He was glad to see that the mess had indeed been cleaned up long ago. It had occurred to him that he never considered what had happened about that. Either that or he forgot, which was likely as well given everything that transpired in the past few months. Ianto checked the cupboards, still finding his crockery and cutlery. Either Jack was being overly trusting, not wanting to be too restrictive, or rather lax at removing dangers. But it didn't matter, he didn't intend to cut himself with broken shards of plates.

Ianto moved back onto the couch. He wasn't sure what he intended. He didn't really see any future. Not in the way of, there is no future and so death, but in the way of ... he had literally no idea what was ahead for him. He started breathing rapidly, chest growing tighter. He didn't like not knowing at all. There was literally no indication. The psychiatrist had said "just one day at a time is difficult enough", and for a while he did only focus on that. But now he was home, everything seemed to collapse in on him. What was he going to do? What about his job? Could he ever return to Torchwood? If so, when? How? What would he do once there? How could he work with the others like before? What if he could never return? Would they just get rid of him? What could he do instead? What would happen then? How could he go from a life at Torchwood to just...what, a store job? What about Jack? Would that mean he'd not see him anymore?

"Ianto? You ok? Just breathe, ok?"  
Ianto wasn't aware that he'd started hyperventilating. He did feel distinctly dizzy, but he couldn't stop the rapid intake of breathe. He was pale and sweaty, brow furrowed in anxiety, and rocking back and forth on the couch. Jack knelt in front of him, staring into his eyes as they darted about.  
"Ianto, you need to take some regular breaths."  
Jack held onto him and felt his body shaking. He rubbed circles on Ianto's back, uttering soothing words. It didn't seem to help all that much, sadly.

"Ianto, copy me ok? Breathe in, breathe out... in...out..." Jack repeated. Ianto seemed to nod, and was able to match Jack's steady rhythm. After a few minutes, Ianto's panic attack subsided.

"Hey, now, what was that about? Was it all just a bit much?"  
Instead of a verbal answer, Ianto laid down on the couch in a ball and cried. He wasn't even sure exactly why... he wasn't particularly sad, just overwhelmed.

"I'm sorry." Ianto sputtered, and Jack petted his cheek softly.

"No, love, don't be sorry. This is good, ok? Letting it out. You need to. If you want to talk about what was going through your mind, we can. But only if and when you a ready. For now, just rest a little here."

Ianto leaned into Jack, and held on tightly. He really didn't want Jack to leave him. But he knew, deep down in that dark paranoia feeling swarm, that Jack couldn't take everything inside of him. That Jack would leave and he'd be all alone. He really wanted Jack, and unless he started getting better ... but he knew he couldn't just GET better. He sobbed again, clenching Jack's shirt.

 _Please don't leave me._

Jack was trying his hardest to be a calm pillar of strength for Ianto to lean on, but was having trouble keeping himself from faltering. It was very difficult for him to see his once reserved Ianto behave this way. But he reminded himself that it was indeed a good thing, to get it out. He stroked Ianto's hair softly and sighed. There was still a long way to go. But Jack was ready to stick it out. And he knew how to show Ianto.


	15. 15 One Step Closer

Jack clicked the lighter and lit the last tea light. It'd been three weeks since Ianto came home, and after a rocky start, Ianto had made progress. He hadn't been back at the base, but he'd been doing occasional paperwork for the team from home. Jack had initially stayed with Ianto 24/7, but after the first week Jack had gone to spending more and more hours during the day at the Hub. Owen had asked about Ianto every day, and gone in to see him regularly. Jack smiled to himself. It had been only days ago that Ianto had apologised to Owen for his behaviour towards him, following Owen saving his life. Jack felt there was progress being made. Even though Ianto was still shifting between being ultra clingy, and badly faking being fine.

Jack straightened his tie nervously. He didn't wear ties often. But he felt he should. He kept his coat on though... that was just _him_. Ianto would be home really soon, and Jack was getting fidgety. He checked the music player still worked (it did), and that his device still had charge (full charge). He sat on the couch and waited in silence, watching the light dance about the room from the numerous candles that were alight. Owen knew not to come inside this time after dropping Ianto home.

Jack looked outside through the window at the sound of a car door shutting. Jack took a deep breath. Ianto shut the door and called out to Jack about the shopping he was carrying. He then froze, seeing Jack standing in the middle of the lounge room, looking right at him, surrounded by candles.

"Is the power out?"

"No."  
"Then why -"

"Because I wanted to, Yan."

"I don't understand." Ianto said, blinking and looking about. He still held onto the bags of groceries. Jack walked towards him and reached out both of his hands. Ianto tentatively put down the bags and took both of Jack's hands, following him into the lounge.

"Jack what's going on?"  
"Ianto ... I know it's hard for you right now -"

 _Oh. That. Jack's going to tell me how he wanted to be free of the burden I put on him._

"- but I want you to know something."  
"W-what?"  
"That I have loved you for so long, I can't imagine not having you in it while you're alive. We just match, Ianto. I know you fear me leaving you. But I'm not going to. Ever. I'm the only one who can promise you that and keep it. So, I'm going to prove it to you."

Ianto just stood there in shock. He didn't know if he was dreaming, hearing things that he just wanted to hear instead of what Jack was actually saying. But he couldn't just imagine that look of pure love and determination on Jack's face, could he? He didn't realise he was holding a breath until he exhaled at the sound of music turning on. Jack wrapped his hands around Ianto's waist, smiling into Ianto's eyes. Were they going to dance now? What was happening? Jack began to sing, his beautiful voice resonating inside Ianto's head and chest.

"Heart beats fast, colours and promises... how to be brave? How can I love, when I'm afraid to fall? Watching you stand alone, all of my doubt suddenly goes away some how."

Jack held onto one of Ianto's hands and began to sway.

"One step closer... I have died every day waiting for you. Darlin' don't be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years. I'll love you for a thousand more."

"Jack..."

"Time stands still, beauty and all she is... I will be brave, I will not let anything take away what's standing in front of me. Every breath, every hour has come to this."  
Jack moved so his nose was a hair's with from Ianto's, then moved so his head rested against Ianto's looking over his shoulder, and continued to sing softly.

"One step closer... I have died every day waiting for you. Darlin' don't be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years. I'll love you for a thousand more. And all along I believed I would find you. Time has brought your heart to me... I have loved you for a thousand years, I'll love you for a thousand more."

Jack smiled and kissed Ianto, and continued to dance with him. He spoke softly in Ianto's ear, "One step closer..."

Jack then stepped backwards, smiled, and knelt down onto one knee. Ianto's eyes were wide in shock as Jack withdrew a ring from a box, holding it up to him. Jack placed his other hand over his heart, and sung loudly.

"One step closer!"

Ianto couldn't believe it.  
"Ianto Jones, I love you at your best and your worst. I will always be here, if you'll have me. Will you marry me?"

Tears filled Ianto's eyes. This was the opposite of what he expected. For Jack to want him like this when he was... a mess... then he knew Jack was serious. And that filled his chest with a warm glow as he smiled and nodded.

"Yes, Jack, yes."

Jack slipped the ring onto Ianto's finger, and stood up to kiss him quickly before the instrumental bridge was over.

"For a thousand years... I'll love you for a thousand more! And all along I believed I would find you. Time has brought your heart to me... I have loved you for a thousand years, I'll love you for a thousand more."

Jack held Ianto close, and Ianto held him tightly back as the music ended.

"I love you too, for all my years." Ianto whispered back in Jack's ear.

Ianto had his reason to live again. And he knew with that, he would be ok.


End file.
